I like to be in charge and appear unmoved by the world. I like it when people think am strong and have no issues. I like to be caring and yet unmoved in the same package.
Regardless of the things I like, there is a lot that my heart really wants and sometimes it even feels like a desperate need.
I want to be caring and even cry if there is need without worrying about those that watch me. I want to understand people without judging them. I want to listen without giving advice. I want to sit through a dinner and allow people to talk without me saying a thing. I want to say hello to my neighbors without thinking of what they did that annoyed me. I want to be able to give people another chance and not prepare myself for more disappointment. I want to celebrate with those that celebrate without wondering when that miracle will come my way. I want to look back to my past with honesty and forgive completely. I want to remember the names and sometimes the face of some of the people that have hurt me the most. I want to have and feel the freedom of sharing and saying who I am without the fear of having to measure up.
I desperately want to be me but it is scary, it sometimes gets me paralyzed. I desperately want to be authentic and totally rested in God but it sometimes feels risky not to be in control. I desperately want to be free to be all God has called me to be. I see it, I know it but I sometimes fear to rise to the occasion because I wonder how an all knowing God would give someone like me such a mandate.
With all the uncertainty, risk and fear – I have come to a decision. So, what have I decided to do? I have decided to go through a 10 week experience to sort these things out. I have decided to sit under a friend’s leadership and with childlike faith wait on God to bring healing. I have decided that it is time to face the me that I had stored away in boxes. I have decided that it is okay for people to see the girl I was even as they judge (or maybe not) the woman I have become. I have decided to take a stand, deal with the past and make sure that all that boxed stuff in my past ends with me.