Waiting…

I really do not have questions anymore. I am not even sure about getting answers to questions I asked a while back because it feels like I am in a never ending nightmare.

It feels like I am in a roller coaster ride that has gone bad. I feel like it has flipped and yet continues on the rails. I know I do not want to die but the pain and expectation of it to stop is eating at me. It is so painful that I sometimes feel like I can not breathe. It is so unpredictable that I fear that I may breathe and make i worse. This flip is becoming a nightmare of pain. it is feeling like a scenario I have prayed and hoped would never happen. It feels like a dream I am unable to get out of. I strive, I fight and I try to cry out but the tears, the scream all seem to be tied into some huge ball in my chest, a ball that I fear may injure my heart because it is so hard to breathe or even to feel my heart beat.

I am waiting for this to end; I am waiting for the pain to end and for the shout of victory to come. I am waiting for the shout of joy and the freedom that comes with release. I am waiting for this season to end. I am waiting for the pain to end. I am waiting… 

What sort of relationship does one have with such a lover?

He knows every strand of my hair

He knows every thought and yet I could easily be in the category of  ‘deep thinker’

He loves me unconditionally yet I am not good at all, in fact I would not love me if it was up to me

He loves me even when He knows the ‘not so good’ thoughts I have about other people

He listens as I talk endlessly even when I spend months not listening to Him.

Some days, I say nothing to Him and even then I do not listen to Him.

What sort of relationship does one have with such a lover?

I think about Him a lot

Sometimes through out the day….

Though the question to me should be – what sort of thoughts do I think about Him?

Well, I think about how He can give me this and that

Most of the times, I set aside time to have a chat with Him and yet that chat time is full of … Can you imagines and did you knows and I need helps!

When I think of the way I talk to Him and the quality of our time together, I wonder if I would be my friend if I had a choice

And yet;

His thoughts towards me are good – better than I could ever dream of or imagine!

His plans for me are good – they are to fulfill a desired hope and future!

Every time I ask, He says ‘I will give you my love that your joy maybe made complete’

What sort of relationship does one have with such a lover?

I wonder,

Is what am giving enough?

I know that I will not make Him love me more than He does now and yet I wonder…

How do I give more?

How do I love more?

How do I serve Him more?

What sort of relationship does one have with such a lover?