A Habit Or What?

I am confused, is this a habit or what?

I started saying “mene” instead of “many” a few years ago as a joke. I was imitating someone who I can’t even remember. It sounded really funny then (still does) but I think it was even funnier because it was someone else saying it. I do not remember the pronunciation of the word many anymore. I can however recognize it on another person’s lips.

As I meditated about this dilemma of mine, I was reminded of habits I have. I realized then that no one wakes up & decides to take on some weird embarrassing habit. It always begins as a joke or a one off thing. I always think I am in control of what I am doing until I realize I am not.

We were chatting with a friend of mine about taking coffee vis-à-vis tea when I told her that I stopped taking tea because I felt I was getting addicted to it. She then pointed out that coffee is also addictive and that is when I boldly informed her that it was impossible for me to get addicted to coffee. “I am good” were my exact words. Thank God I came to my senses immediately & told her – “I am not addicted yet”. Well, it is not part of my annual goals to get addicted to coffee but it was never my goal to say “mene” instead of “many”

I have been wondering about the number of things I am doing now that seem harmless and yet will come back to embarrass me. How many things have I placed into my routine that are slowly becoming a thorn in my flesh without me realizing? How many funny things will become annoying things a few months down the road? I actually do not even remember paying attention to the way I said this word until recently (thanks to my fellow bullies)

Embarrassment

Well, be careful what you do today, it may be your brand tomorrow. (My fellow bullies, look out. You maybe saying “mene” instead of “many” very soon)

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Friendship I

It is coming to the end of the first month of the year as we know it and am still deciding on resolutions especially since I am learning so much at the very beginning. I am realizing what they say about old age. This old age is not in years I have been in life but also years I have had the privilege to interact with human beings.

I made a shocking revelation. I do not know why I had not realized it before but I guess that is what happens for self consumed vain people.

Am going through a work book entitled Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and he says something about listing your 6 closest friends and why. He then says something that inspires this post. He says that the people I cherish most are those that I can count on to do stuff for me. It has nothing to do with what I do for them.

This leaves me at a place of questioning my friendships. What sort of person measures the value of the relationship based on what they get out of it? I guess the right answer is me but really? The other question for me is, if my friends measure our friendship based on what I give them, where does that leave us?

The Lord has come through once again for me and hit me in the face with the reality of who I am and it’s not a pretty picture. It’s surely by Grace that I am not only saved but also have amazing friends and family.

I aspire to give more than I receive for 2013

Desperate….

I like to be in charge and appear unmoved by the world. I like it when people think am strong and have no issues. I like to be caring and yet unmoved in the same package.

Regardless of the things I like, there is a lot that my heart really wants and sometimes it even feels like a desperate need.

I want to be caring and even cry if there is need without worrying about those that watch me. I want to understand people without judging them. I want to listen without giving advice. I want to sit through a dinner and allow people to talk without me saying a thing. I want to say hello to my neighbors without thinking of what they did that annoyed me. I want to be able to give people another chance and not prepare myself for more disappointment. I want to celebrate with those that celebrate without wondering when that miracle will come my way. I want to look back to my past with honesty and forgive completely. I want to remember the names and sometimes the face of some of the people that have hurt me the most. I want to have and feel the freedom of sharing and saying who I am without the fear of having to measure up.

I desperately want to be me but it is scary, it sometimes gets me paralyzed. I desperately want to be authentic and totally rested in God but it sometimes feels risky not to be in control. I desperately want to be free to be all God has called me to be. I see it, I know it but I sometimes fear to rise to the occasion because I wonder how an all knowing God would give someone like me such a mandate.

With all the uncertainty, risk and fear – I have come to a decision. So, what have I decided to do? I have decided to go through a 10 week experience to sort these things out. I have decided to sit under a friend’s leadership and with childlike faith wait on God to bring healing. I have decided that it is time to face the me that I had stored away in boxes. I have decided that it is okay for people to see the girl I was even as they judge (or maybe not) the woman I have become. I have decided to take a stand, deal with the past and make sure that all that boxed stuff in my past ends with me.

Letter to my Body

Dearest Body,
I do not know why I am doing this because I already feel too exposed and judged. My fear in doing this proves to me how much I have not appreciated you and I intend to change that trend so here I am pouring out my heart to you.

I realize now that I have not appreciated you. When I was a lot smaller in size, I spent most of the time thinking you had no character or drama because you lacked the curves I saw in ladies older than me. When you became a bit bigger, I hated you because your curves were a bit bigger than my friends. Now that you are so much bigger, I can not look at you because I feel so sad that you could look like this.
Sometimes I forget that you are the temple of the Holy Spirit and you just become a shell that I feel does not say who I believe me to be.

When people compliment you, I think they must be blind or want something because I do not see what they see.

Because I think these thoughts about you my love, I over indulge in a bid to punish you. I do not take care of you as I should because I think I will be able to move past what I think of you. I dress to prove how bad you are and to make sure nobody appreciates you.

I am so sorry that I have spent so much time hating you and pretending you are not there. I am so sorry for blaming and using you as an excuse every time I have felt insecure. I am so sorry for not recongnising your strengths as I have held onto what I feel your weaknesses are.

Even with all this, you have held me together through some really tough moments. You go through each day sometimes even two with little complaining and yet no sleep or even food.

You are so beautifully made for this that I need to do. You are saying more about me than I really am.
When I think of the times you have bounced back after some sort of strange sickness, I am grateful.

I know you have never heard this from me and yet I intend to make this a habit. You are beautifully and wonderfully made, the temple of the Holy Spirit. You are in God’s image and I intend to start treating you with love and respect.

I love you my body

Always,
Me

Is God really saying NO?

So, I am in year 6 of similar prayer requests. I know someone may say it is not God’s will but I have read about them in the word of the Lord. I know that some of these things I am praying for have a close link to the name of the Lord being glorified which removes the notion of them not being God’s will. One may say that these good and perfect gifts are not for me but I am wondering why? If this is the same God that says He will love me with an everlasting love, then why would He not give me this good and perfect gifts?

Okay, I know they are gifts meaning He has a right to give them to me or not. This reason I accept. I also believe that the Lord may desire to glorify Himself in the fact that I lack what I am asking.

However, it just hit me. Those are not the only reasons.

So, the Bible says that the Lord disciplines those that He loves. If you like me, you may have wanted a list of this discipline. I keep thinking they can be found in Deuteronomy 28 but people have a number of schools of thought. They have been some agreements pointing to the fact that we may not be able to tell if we have been disciplined by the Lord because life is full of valleys and mountains but I think I am starting to understand a few things.

God has seen vices and habits in me that if they are not dealt with will destroy me. He is not saying NO to my requests, He is saying GROW UP. Many times I am thinking of God the way I think of my earthly father. My daddy would discipline me in ways that would bring pain which would either mean physical pain or withdrawal of a desired or good thing but my question is; IS THAT THE GOD I SERVE? Would God withdraw good things from me as punishment or would I in the long run face consequences of the bad decisions and the indiscipline I have in my life?

So, when am asking God, is it like the prodigal son asking for all the foreseen wealth from the father before he is old enough to understand the responsibility behind the request?

Well, I do not know if this answers the lingering question about God’s discipline but I know it answers a question I have had all along and here it goes; ‘God, if you give us the desires of our heart, if it is You that gives all good and perfect gifts, why aren’t these particular desires and gifts coming along?’ and I believe the Lord is telling me ‘MY DAUGHTER, YOU ARE STILL GROWING UP AND WHEN YOU ARE READY – IT WILL ALL BE YOURS’

I don’t know what this means to you. However, I know that I am waiting patiently for ALL GOOD AND PERFECT GIFTS ARE FROM GOD.

It starts with me

I have been observing some really ‘disturbing’ trends. I have been meeting some people that seem to just rub me the wrong way. I have been having more moments with statements like ‘Help me Oh Lord not to open my mouth’

Each of these times,I have been pointing and pointing to all those people. Those people that are getting me angry, those people that are planting doubt in my mind because of their negative words, those people that just keep talking and keep going without seeming to care about anyone else.
I have been observing, noting and wondering why now…

I then realized that all this that I noted, all this that got me angry was small bits of me. Aspects about me that push people to the corner. Small bits about me that some other people can not stand.
The only reason I believe I could see these ‘disturbing’ trends was because I could relate completely to them.

It is now that I decide to say ‘Oh Lord help me keep my mouth shut’ not because someone did something ‘disturbing’ but because I may say something ‘disturbing’

It is now that I decide to say ‘Oh Lord help me’ not because someone will do something ‘disturbing’ but because I will do something ‘disturbing’

It is now that I decide
It starts with me

Perceived Swag

I am enjoying going through the One Year Bible and I have so much to write home about. I have had a number of ‘aha’ moments were I could not believe I had never seen that scripture like that before.

Every time I read Exodus, I feel for Moses. The guys he was leading were not motivating or encouraging followers. They complained before they asked. As I read I keep wondering, can’t they just ask, why are they whining? Of course I point at them not realizing that four of my fingers are pointing back at me.

I will share something that stood out recently. Moses tells God that ‘If the Israelites will not listen to me, then how will Pharaoh listen to me since I am a poor speaker?'(Exodus 6:18)
This statement hit home because I could see my insecurities in Moses. I do not know if you have been at a place where you have tried everything but you are just not performing as per the goals set out. I do not know if you have been at a place where you pray your boss out of the office because you fear that you are not reaching your fullest potential. Well, sometimes it’s true but other times it is not. I have learnt to evaluate myself before I pass the verdict because it is demotivating when your number one fan feels you are not performing. [Note to self, my number one fan is me]

I had an interesting scenario recently that made this scripture so alive for me. I was travelling to Dar-es-salaam and my suitcase was really heavy. I packed books like I was going for years (I am still wondering why I did that) but that’s me. I need to have a portion of my books with me everywhere I go plus extra notebooks just in case I use up my new note book 😉 Anyway, the bus people keep commenting about how heavy my suitcase was until I started feeling guilty. The guilt had worn off until we got to one of the weigh bridges, we kept going back and forth. My conclusion was that the bus was too heavy because of my suitcase and because I have gained weight. I felt that my personal weight plus the weight of my one suitcase was too heavy that the bus may need to pay extra charges.

So, when I see Moses fear to tell the Israelites and Pharaoh what God has said because he knows that he is a poor speaker, I understand. I understand because I have laughed at people give me responsibility while I am thinking about how insufficient I am and how they maybe sorry. I understand because I have a tendency to take the blame for failure that may not be mine at all just because I was near by. I know how to list all the things that may really not be working for but against me in every scenario. I understand Moses in ways I did not know before.

However, I have been receiving deliverance in this area as I have read the writings in the Bible. I am learning that my felt inefficiencies or insecurities can not limit God’s work in my life or in the lives of those people He has put in my life. I like to say that ‘God uses donkeys and I am the donkey’ because I know that without Him, all this perceived swag would not be their.

So, as you go through the year. Remember, your felt inefficiencies or insecurities can not limit God’s work in your life or in the lives of those people He has put in your life