Transformers…

I love gadgets. The best part about gadgets is putting them apart and then forgetting how to put them back together. (Okay, maybe not…)

I like wires and short circuits and stuff like that. They excite me completely. (I am not crazy, in case you are wondering)

I like phones and phones and phones. I like to find out all I can about a phone, try to destroy it so that I can try to repair it. (I know this sounds like some 2 year old boy but bear with me).

Lets get to the reason for my writing this – laptops.
I love laptops but this is a love that I have not fed. You see, laptops are not cheap and you can’t just destroy one and get another. (That is also true of phones).

So, I have this laptop that I inherited. It has served me well and has seen its time in the workshop. Earlier this year, it broke and the creative me put it back together using black tape – Yeye. Have I told you that we have replaced the battery and many other things in this laptop? Anyway, the black tape looked so nice that I changed my mind about buying a new laptop. You see, its black in colour and the tape made it look new. I even put some handwritten notes at the front – really cool!! (Don’t judge) After a while, we had a problem in regards to something I have no idea about and I decided I needed a new operating system which I got. The Operating System made me feel like the laptop was new but that didn’t last long.

My problem with the laptop at the moment is one that puts a smile on my face and intrigues my very animated imagination. The laptop makes some very interesting noises as I switch it on. I was just wondering this morning if there were crickets inside the laptop! As I worked today, I started to think that it may transform like in “The Transformers” and I may not be able to deal with a very angry machine given the amount of black tape it has.

My laptop makes me think of life. Sometimes we change the battery, operating system and even put black tape on all that is going wrong in our lives and wonder why our lives do not become new. Sometimes we want to see ourselves transform and yet all we have done is cover the issues and look pretty. I am learning that it is sometimes important to uproot the problem – go to the beginning of the problem. I was doing that for the last few months as I went through Simama (Its a discipleship program at Mavuno Church). I was uprooting and checking my operating system, I was cleaning out viruses and discovering short fools of some of the things I have come to believe and accept as the norm. I am in the process of developing new habits to replace the destructive habits I had.

I love my old laptop, it has a sentimental attachment but it has to go. I can not work efficiently and with excellence if I hear crickets playing around in my laptop. It is in the same breathe that I have let go of some friends, movies, music and all that was destructing this amazing operating system that God Himself put together. It was a fun life but not useful or beneficial to this great purpose God has created me for.

THE BIG CROSS OVER

LoveI was walking towards the Big Cross Over as we had labeled it with a few of my friends. I was turning the big 30 and I was starting to panic. I am not those people that are scared or afraid to be old, sometimes I think am overly anxious to be old because I think it is a sign of God’s faithfulness. I still look forward to being at least 100 years of age and that means I need to be comfortable with my present age. In fact, that means I need to celebrate every new year that the Lord gives me. I have seen so many people die young that I am grateful for everyday and even more for every birthday.

Anyway, back to the Big Cross Over. I was so anxious about it that I kept wondering why no one has ever written a book about turning 30. I did not know what to expect, it was like I was at the corner of some really great start and I wanted to prepare myself. It is as a result of this that I passed by one of my favorite places – a bookshop. I love books, I love books very very much. I believe no one can ever read enough not to be reading a book every week and books are my therapy and solution providers. Before I ever go to someone with a question, I have already spent a while finding out what other people who are patient enough to write a book thought. You may tell me that they are not always right and I agree with you but this is my thought. If someone was confident enough to put their thoughts into writing and then go on to publish them hoping to make some money, they are worth listening to. Even if I do not agree with them, I celebrate their confidence.

Okay, am getting derailed. We were talking about the Big Cross Over. So, I had been ably told that I should get married at 30. It was great to think of that at 25 years of age but not so cool on the last day on the other side. I do not know what I thought but a part of me expected to wake up married on my birthday so I panicked since I did not see any person to make this happen and I bought a book. The book I bought is entitled ‘If men are like buses, then how do I catch one?’ by Michelle McKinney Hammond.

Now, let me be honest here. If I had known that she is the one that had written the book, I would most probably not have bought it. I know, it is very ….. (no word yet to explain the word but it is a word that could mean judgmental, prejudicial and stuff like that). Anyway, I discovered when I opened it but I was already captivated. Just to clear the air, you maybe wondering why I would not buy a book written by her. Well, she is single and seems really happy and a part of me feared that reading a relationship book written by someone who is not married and is happy may mean I will forever stay single. Do not judge, my mind is always active, it sometimes makes decisions for me that my mouth has to back up.

Anyway, back to the Big Cross Over. So, I bought this book because I was eager to find out how to catch one of these buses to make the dream and desire of my soon acquired age a reality.

This book is the reason for this blog article because it is 5 days after I bought it and I have come to the end. I feel it was money well spent given the fact that I have read it to the end. I also have another weakness, I get bored easily and so I sometimes do not read books to the end because I feel they have said all they can say at a particular point. I know this is how people sometimes feel about some of my emails, I really write long emails. I guess by now you know the reason why, I keep getting derailed. Blame it on my really cool and innovative mind. I can have a plan but my mind goes on to give me other options in case I am interested. I will write something about my mind sometime so this is the last time I am going to talk about it – I hope.

Anyway, I had been having so many questions about this marriage thing and my purpose. I had a plan for my life 5 years ago and it did not look like this at all. That plan had me in a different country doing very different things but here I am. Most days it is okay but I sometimes wonder why and I guess I was at the wondering part as I prepared to cross over to the other side (oh, this side).
As I read the book that was supposed to tell me about catching a bus, I found myself sitting at the bus stop and letting all the buses I had planned to catch pass me by. I found myself sitting at the bus stop and talking to the Bus Driver. I found myself deciding to take a time out from buses completely because she talked about the need to love the Bus Driver. I may have lost you at this time but you know who to blame – my mind. So, the Bus Driver is Jesus.

You see, I have spent so much time on this marriage thing – thinking about it that I feel like I have not really listened to the Lover of My Soul. I have been so frightened of what He may require me to do or who He may want me to marry. This is not an everyday struggle, for those starting to judge me, it is a sometimes struggle. Sometimes being 6 days in the 7 days that make a week. At least I have a sabbath rest from this fear.

I love my Lord so much and I am sometimes worried that if He told me to do something, I would do it. That is how I ended up in another country. I sometimes fear that He will tell me something, I will be in so much love and move forward and then the scales that cover people in love will fall off and I will be caught in what He told me to do and I am may not be sure if I like it. That is the reason I was really scared of hearing God’s opinion on a number of things that are close to my heart i.e. purpose and marriage.

Anyway, as I read the book, I felt the fear lifting and I was reminded again about what is really important. It felt like a bold pink writing in heaven just for me on a very cloudy dark day. I now know that I can not live my life the way I had started living it, I can not be too busy doing things for God that I miss out on a relationship with Him – a real relationship with Him. It is as a result of this that I have decided to be real with myself. I need to tell myself the truth like when I am hurt, I need to remind my mind to pick up on the feeling instead of explaining it away. I have decided to give the most important relationship in my life another go. I remember a time when I had put aside time to just bask in the presence of the Almighty, to have a date night but I got destructed with movies or other staff like chatting with friends. It is so back because I need to spend time with my Bus Driver.

I need to stop writing at sometime and am here thinking about how glad I am that my job does not involve reviewing books because it would be really sad. As you can see, this blog article was inspired by reading this book and yet I have talked about other things more than the book.

To put an end to this, I will just say one thing. I am so glad I read this book for I can now truly and fully delight in the Lover of my soul – My King. I can put more time into the most important relationship; the only relationship that will forever be as I find out what He has to say about the bus that I hoped I would catch. So, no more anxiety or worry as I rest under the shadow of my Lover’s wings. I know my Love will tell me and guide me whenever the time to move has come. My plans have been shelved and we will take time to review them as we spend time with my Love and that is if there is time for that because I realize that there is a lot of catch up to do.

I am so glad I made the Big Cross Over and I have something in my heart to show for it. It is a great great book for everyone, not just singles. I was in a car, it was raining so hard I could not see the way and I was scared because I felt so alone but all that has changed. I am still in the car, it is still raining but this really cool person joined me who seems to know exactly what to do in such weather so am feeling rather warm and happy. I am enjoying this stormy journey because of the person that is at the driver’s seat.

It is a great book indeed.

Is God really saying NO?

So, I am in year 6 of similar prayer requests. I know someone may say it is not God’s will but I have read about them in the word of the Lord. I know that some of these things I am praying for have a close link to the name of the Lord being glorified which removes the notion of them not being God’s will. One may say that these good and perfect gifts are not for me but I am wondering why? If this is the same God that says He will love me with an everlasting love, then why would He not give me this good and perfect gifts?

Okay, I know they are gifts meaning He has a right to give them to me or not. This reason I accept. I also believe that the Lord may desire to glorify Himself in the fact that I lack what I am asking.

However, it just hit me. Those are not the only reasons.

So, the Bible says that the Lord disciplines those that He loves. If you like me, you may have wanted a list of this discipline. I keep thinking they can be found in Deuteronomy 28 but people have a number of schools of thought. They have been some agreements pointing to the fact that we may not be able to tell if we have been disciplined by the Lord because life is full of valleys and mountains but I think I am starting to understand a few things.

God has seen vices and habits in me that if they are not dealt with will destroy me. He is not saying NO to my requests, He is saying GROW UP. Many times I am thinking of God the way I think of my earthly father. My daddy would discipline me in ways that would bring pain which would either mean physical pain or withdrawal of a desired or good thing but my question is; IS THAT THE GOD I SERVE? Would God withdraw good things from me as punishment or would I in the long run face consequences of the bad decisions and the indiscipline I have in my life?

So, when am asking God, is it like the prodigal son asking for all the foreseen wealth from the father before he is old enough to understand the responsibility behind the request?

Well, I do not know if this answers the lingering question about God’s discipline but I know it answers a question I have had all along and here it goes; ‘God, if you give us the desires of our heart, if it is You that gives all good and perfect gifts, why aren’t these particular desires and gifts coming along?’ and I believe the Lord is telling me ‘MY DAUGHTER, YOU ARE STILL GROWING UP AND WHEN YOU ARE READY – IT WILL ALL BE YOURS’

I don’t know what this means to you. However, I know that I am waiting patiently for ALL GOOD AND PERFECT GIFTS ARE FROM GOD.

I Wouldn’t Be My Option

So, I know myself and like I like to say ‘If I were God choosing someone to do some work for me, I wouldn’t be my option’

When I read about God using the weak things of the world to shame the strong, my mind is screaming ‘I KNOW, I CAN TESTIFY’
When I read about God using a donkey, I am smiling, waving my hands like a mad woman and saying ‘I AM HERE LORD, I CAN BE A DONKEY FOR YOU’
When I read about God saying that if we call unto Him, He will do great and mighty things, I stand on the chair and start shouting ‘YES LORD, I WILL CALL UNTO YOU’

Then
I read about the lady of the alabaster box; her expression of love and the secret thoughts of the people in the room, I slowly take my seat so that no one can see me and whisper ‘Hmmmm…. Okay!’
And then there is David dancing till his cloths fall off, I cover my eyes and write in my journal ‘I love you Lord but am not sure how that will bring glory to Your name’
Then these guys Paul and Silas get themselves imprisoned for the gospel, I bargain ‘I am set free because of you. If the truth sets us free then why prison? In fact I am short of saying ‘I bind all sorts of persecution in the name of Jesus until I see ‘In this world you will have tribulation but be of good cheer for I have over come the world’ Hmmmm, I wonder. ‘Who knew that tribulation and good cheer would look good in the same sentence?’
And who knew I could actually shut up?

It is at that point that I remember all these promises in Revelations about those who will overcome putting on crowns ,white cloths and cool stuff like that and I am full of energy. I stand up, carry a chair and start running with it as I scream ‘I AM YOURS OH LORD. You know am in’ that is until I discover that overcoming means hard times should have come before.

I then realize the honor and privilege I have to know a loving God who sent His son to die for me regardless…

I am forever grateful and in awe. I know that if I were God I would not choose me and that is why I am glad that I am not God

What sort of relationship does one have with such a lover?

He knows every strand of my hair

He knows every thought and yet I could easily be in the category of  ‘deep thinker’

He loves me unconditionally yet I am not good at all, in fact I would not love me if it was up to me

He loves me even when He knows the ‘not so good’ thoughts I have about other people

He listens as I talk endlessly even when I spend months not listening to Him.

Some days, I say nothing to Him and even then I do not listen to Him.

What sort of relationship does one have with such a lover?

I think about Him a lot

Sometimes through out the day….

Though the question to me should be – what sort of thoughts do I think about Him?

Well, I think about how He can give me this and that

Most of the times, I set aside time to have a chat with Him and yet that chat time is full of … Can you imagines and did you knows and I need helps!

When I think of the way I talk to Him and the quality of our time together, I wonder if I would be my friend if I had a choice

And yet;

His thoughts towards me are good – better than I could ever dream of or imagine!

His plans for me are good – they are to fulfill a desired hope and future!

Every time I ask, He says ‘I will give you my love that your joy maybe made complete’

What sort of relationship does one have with such a lover?

I wonder,

Is what am giving enough?

I know that I will not make Him love me more than He does now and yet I wonder…

How do I give more?

How do I love more?

How do I serve Him more?

What sort of relationship does one have with such a lover?