Transformers…

I love gadgets. The best part about gadgets is putting them apart and then forgetting how to put them back together. (Okay, maybe not…)

I like wires and short circuits and stuff like that. They excite me completely. (I am not crazy, in case you are wondering)

I like phones and phones and phones. I like to find out all I can about a phone, try to destroy it so that I can try to repair it. (I know this sounds like some 2 year old boy but bear with me).

Lets get to the reason for my writing this – laptops.
I love laptops but this is a love that I have not fed. You see, laptops are not cheap and you can’t just destroy one and get another. (That is also true of phones).

So, I have this laptop that I inherited. It has served me well and has seen its time in the workshop. Earlier this year, it broke and the creative me put it back together using black tape – Yeye. Have I told you that we have replaced the battery and many other things in this laptop? Anyway, the black tape looked so nice that I changed my mind about buying a new laptop. You see, its black in colour and the tape made it look new. I even put some handwritten notes at the front – really cool!! (Don’t judge) After a while, we had a problem in regards to something I have no idea about and I decided I needed a new operating system which I got. The Operating System made me feel like the laptop was new but that didn’t last long.

My problem with the laptop at the moment is one that puts a smile on my face and intrigues my very animated imagination. The laptop makes some very interesting noises as I switch it on. I was just wondering this morning if there were crickets inside the laptop! As I worked today, I started to think that it may transform like in “The Transformers” and I may not be able to deal with a very angry machine given the amount of black tape it has.

My laptop makes me think of life. Sometimes we change the battery, operating system and even put black tape on all that is going wrong in our lives and wonder why our lives do not become new. Sometimes we want to see ourselves transform and yet all we have done is cover the issues and look pretty. I am learning that it is sometimes important to uproot the problem – go to the beginning of the problem. I was doing that for the last few months as I went through Simama (Its a discipleship program at Mavuno Church). I was uprooting and checking my operating system, I was cleaning out viruses and discovering short fools of some of the things I have come to believe and accept as the norm. I am in the process of developing new habits to replace the destructive habits I had.

I love my old laptop, it has a sentimental attachment but it has to go. I can not work efficiently and with excellence if I hear crickets playing around in my laptop. It is in the same breathe that I have let go of some friends, movies, music and all that was destructing this amazing operating system that God Himself put together. It was a fun life but not useful or beneficial to this great purpose God has created me for.

Desperate….

I like to be in charge and appear unmoved by the world. I like it when people think am strong and have no issues. I like to be caring and yet unmoved in the same package.

Regardless of the things I like, there is a lot that my heart really wants and sometimes it even feels like a desperate need.

I want to be caring and even cry if there is need without worrying about those that watch me. I want to understand people without judging them. I want to listen without giving advice. I want to sit through a dinner and allow people to talk without me saying a thing. I want to say hello to my neighbors without thinking of what they did that annoyed me. I want to be able to give people another chance and not prepare myself for more disappointment. I want to celebrate with those that celebrate without wondering when that miracle will come my way. I want to look back to my past with honesty and forgive completely. I want to remember the names and sometimes the face of some of the people that have hurt me the most. I want to have and feel the freedom of sharing and saying who I am without the fear of having to measure up.

I desperately want to be me but it is scary, it sometimes gets me paralyzed. I desperately want to be authentic and totally rested in God but it sometimes feels risky not to be in control. I desperately want to be free to be all God has called me to be. I see it, I know it but I sometimes fear to rise to the occasion because I wonder how an all knowing God would give someone like me such a mandate.

With all the uncertainty, risk and fear – I have come to a decision. So, what have I decided to do? I have decided to go through a 10 week experience to sort these things out. I have decided to sit under a friend’s leadership and with childlike faith wait on God to bring healing. I have decided that it is time to face the me that I had stored away in boxes. I have decided that it is okay for people to see the girl I was even as they judge (or maybe not) the woman I have become. I have decided to take a stand, deal with the past and make sure that all that boxed stuff in my past ends with me.